The Big Screen: The Philosophers Stone
by Prongywong
Summary: The marauders and Lily go to see Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. It's quite funny
1. That Harry kid stole my last name!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's all J.. **

_It's quite random. I just thought it would be funny if the marauders went to see a movie :) Read & Review please x_

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The five teenagers walked into the cinema, laughing and chatting loudly.

A boy with messy black hair and round glasses had his arm around a pretty red-headed girl.

"Typical eh Lily?" he said, "Our first time venturing into a muggle cinema and these three insist on tagging along."

"Prongs!" cried a handsome boy with long dark hair, "You know you want us here really!" The lovestruck couple just sighed at their best friend.

"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," the third boy read aloud. He had sandy coloured hair and many scars up and down his arms. "Sounds interesting, James."

"Hey!" shouted James, attracting the attention of many passers-by, "That Harry kid stole my last name!"

"He even looks like you mate!" Sirius pointed out, looking at the large poster by the door

"Shut up! I look nothing like that geek," he yelled, "I'm gorgeous, right Lily?"

"You're gorgeous dear," Lily sighed fondly. She'd really grown to love that arrogant idiot.

"Three tickets for _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_" Sirius told the ticket girl, winking. She blushed and quickly entered their details into the computer.

"Trust Padfoot to chat up the muggle ticket girl" sighed Remus

"He'll chat up anything that moves," the last boy spoke quietly. He was short and dumpy with very watery eyes. The others chuckled as Sirius turned around innocently.

"I got us premiere seats, free of charge!" he grinned

"It's just as well. You know nothing about muggle money," Lily laughed, as Sirius looked crestfallen. The seventeen-year-olds walked into the theatre, wondering whether or not the movie would be interesting. Little did they know, it was a lot more interesting than they realised.


	2. The snake named Bob

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Everything is JKRowling and Warner Bros. **

_Thanks to Messer Victo for reviewing. Lol, i think it would be slightly weird if Peter just randomly died but very good idea! :D_

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"I think our seats are here," all the teenage wizards piled into the front row to see the opening credits rolling up.

"Creepy music..." Sirius muttered

"Privet Drive," Lily said quietly, "Why do I recognise that name..."

"Shh!" cried Sirius noisily, while James frowned at him.

"HEY! It's Dumbledore!" James yelled, as they all cheered loudly. People in nearby seats were giving them the strangest looks.

"**I should have known that you would be here Professor McGonagall," **

"Is the whole staff gonna be there?" wondered Remus aloud.

"HEY! THAT BIG FAT GIANT HAS MY BIKE!" screamed Sirius at the top of his voice

"Why the hell does Hagrid have your bike?" asked James

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!"

"Ah, all the good times we had on that bike..."

"Remember when we took Snape on that joyride through Hogsmeade?"

"There was grease all over the pavement by the time we reached the Shrieking Shack..."

"Fun times..."

"James Potter! You did WHAT to Snape?" Lily cried incredulously

"Shh dear, just watch the film now," James soothed

**Dumbledore lay a letter on top of the sleeping baby, addressed to Mr and Mrs Dursley.**

"Dursley?" Lily remarked, "That's the name of the fat idiot that my sister's engaged to."

"What a coincidence," James muttered, not really paying attention to her

"I dunno. It's not really a common name is it..."

Remus looked over at Lily, with a curious expression on his face.

"James! That looks so much like you!" Sirius yelled, as the next scene came on the screen.

"Shut up, you prick!" James shouted, "I am so much better looking!"

"Whatever."

"**Up. Get up" Petunia Dursley banged on the cupboard door**

Lily had gone white, and she was clutching her hands together tightly.

"Lily what is it?" James asked, anxiously

"I think... I think that's supposed to be my sister. Tuney – I mean Petunia."

"If she's your sister, and she's the only family that kid's got..."

"Does that mean..."

"I hope not..." they sat in silence wondering what was going to happen next.

**Dudley Dursley ran up and down the stairs, getting dust on Harry's head**

"That disgusting little piece of-" James muttered angrily

"Poor kid..." Lily sighed

**The boys entered the kitchen**

"Fatso!" yelled Sirius cheerfully, as Uncle Vernon appeared on the large screen, "Let's throw popcorn at the big fat man!"

"Shhhh!" the people around whispered.

"What does Sirius have against fat people?" mumbled Lily

"**36! But last year I had 37!" screamed Dudley**

"Eugh. Spoilt brat" James was getting seriously angry at these people

"Trust Petunia to have a little horror like him!" exclaimed Lily

"**I'm warning you now boy..." Uncle Vernon threatened**

"Hehe. It looks like he's about to eat poor Harry," Sirius said, causing everyone to laugh "and is the kid supposed to be scared of those _keys_ he's pointing at him?"

"Sirius, enough with the wisecracks. We're missing the movie!" scolded Remus

"**Move!" Dudley yelled**

"**He's asleep" said Harry**

James and Sirius roared with laughter.

"He's asleep!" they cried, mocking his high-pitched childish voice

"Aww shut up you two!" Lily giggled, "He's _so_ cute!"

"Merlin's beard. He's talking to the snake" James said, "Does he actually think that the snake would understand him?"

"Deranged child..."

"**That's me as well. I never knew my parents either"**

Lily put her head on James' shoulder, feeling very confused about this strange film.

"Relax Lils," James said softly, "It's not real, is it? It's just some random thing made by Warner Bros, desperately trying to make some money..."

She looked up at her boyfriend, wondering whether or not to laugh at his pathetic attempt to cheer her up.

**Dudley pushes Harry onto the floor**

"Haha James! Your son is _such_ a sissy!" teased Sirius

"I know. It's pathetic" James sighed

"James! Shouldn't you be sticking up for our son?!" Lily exclaimed

"Why? He's such a failure! I blame your sister"

"Me too"

"Me three"

"Sirius, who gave you the right to comment?" Lily said, while James snickered silently.

**Dudley screamed and fell through the glass into the water**

"WOOHOO!" yelled Sirius

"Go Harry!" James cried, "You show that fat kid!"

"Aww our little boy's showing his powers already. I'm so proud" cooed Lily

**The snake slithered out of the tank and onto the floor**

"I like that snake. I name him Bob" Sirius said

"No, it's Fred. Fred suits him so much more," James retorted

"It's Bob!"

"It's Fred!

"Bob!"

"Fred!"

"BOB!"

"FRED!"

"BOBSTER!"

"FREDSTER!"

"Ok, who gave James & Sirius too much sugar?" said Remus wearily, sighing at his friends who were rolling on the floor fighting over the names.

Eventually, they got up and slumped into their seats.

"What did we miss?" James asked

"Your idiot son just sat on the floor while the snake ran amok over the zoo" Remus replied

"Snakes can't run Moony," everyone turned to look at Sirius. "What? They can't!" he muttered

"**There's no such thing as magic" said Uncle Vernon, back at the house**

All the wizards started laughing at that.

"I wonder if Harry's going to go to Hogwarts then" said Remus

"All witches and wizards go there!" retorted James

"Yeah but Petunia might stop him. She can be very spiteful at times you know..." Lily mumbled. She feared the worst from her older sister.

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_Read & Review please x_


	3. Walruses don't eat doughnuts

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and no-one. Unfortunately..**

**

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****Harry picked up a letter which had just come through the letterbox**

"See! I told you he's going to Hogwarts!" James said triumphantly

"Whatever."

**He walked into the kitchen**

"Oh Harry!" moaned Lily, "Don't open it in the kitchen! They're _bound _to notice!"

"Your son's an idiot Potter," muttered Sirius

"Don't call me Potter, Black!"

"Why you racist little..."

"**Dad look! Harry's got a letter!"**

"What the hell is on that boy's head?" remarked Sirius

"I think it's _supposed_ to be a hat..."

"Who in their right mind would make a hat like that?"

"Haha! Look at that fat walrus' face!" James yelled, pointing at the screen

"He looks like someone just ate his doughnut!" Sirius cried

"Walruses don't eat doughnuts, Padfoot"

"Aww. The poor kid's playing with his horsies! What a gayboy!"

"Yeah. Stupid kid. I wish _I_ raised him ... then he'd be manly and macho! Like me!

"More like big-headed and arrogant. He's lucky that _you _weren't his role model!" Lily exclaimed

"I resent that Evans! My head absolutely perfect-sized. And so's my –"

"Enough! Let's just watch the stupid movie!" Remus cried

"**Right you are Harry. No post on Sundays. No sir! Not one single bloody letter! Not one! No sir! Not one blasted miserable – "**

The teenagers all laughed as Uncle Vernon was struck on the head by a flying envelope.

"Aww look at little Hazza Potts! Jumping up and down amongst all the letters!" said Sirius

"Hazza Potts?" exclaimed James, "Does that mean you're gonna call me James Potts?!"

"No silly! You're ... Jam-Pot!"

"Jampot?"

"Yes"

"Ok. You're ... Sir Blah"

"Where did that come from?"

"Sirius Black. Duh."

"Oh. Moony's Rem-Lup!"

"Evans is Lil-Ev"

"Merlin's pants! Wormy is Pet-Pet!" they all laughed at that, except Peter of course.

"What?" he asked, looking up from his popcorn

"Nothing Pet-Pet," James snickered

"Hey! Why are they in some lighthouse in the middle of nowhere?" asked Sirius

"If you were paying attention, you'd know that Uncle Vernon moved them there to get away from the letters!" Remus sighed, and muttered something that sounded a lot like '_idiots...'_

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_

Sorry, it's quite short. I couldn't be bothered to do any more for now  
Read & Review? x  
P.S. please read '10 things you never knew..'  
It's another one of my stories and i neeeed reviews :) x


	4. Hagrid looks like Sirius' mum!

**Disclaimer: Its not my stuff. Credit goes to JKRowling and Warner Bros. Even though i hate Warner Bros for totally fucking up HBP! :(**

_Ok, so after several death threats, I added the next chapter :P_

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"My son is sleeping on the floor! How dare they!" James said, outraged

"Tuney, how could you?" Lily sighed

"Aww. He's so pathetic, it's sad!" exclaimed Sirius, as Harry drew a birthday cake in the dirt.

"He's not pathetic! Tell him James!" Lily said

"Ahem – yeah Padfoot. He's – err – _not_ pathetic..." James spluttered

"**Make a wish Harry," said Harry**

"Bless him," Remus chuckled

Suddenly, they all jumped, as the door crashed open. On the screen, that is.

"Harry! Don't _hide_ for goodness sake!" James yelled, "Have I taught you nothing?!"

"James, I hate to break it to you, but you DID teach him nothing," Remus pointed out

"Oh whatever - _Rem-Lup_!" he huffed

"**Who's there?" Vernon asked, nervously**

"It's Haggers again!" Sirius grinned, clapping his hands

"Haggers?" Lily asked cautiously

"Don't ask," James muttered

"How ridiculous is that! Hagrid's twice as big in real life! How unrealistic!" Remus ranted

"Shut up Moony,"

"**Sorry about that," said Hagrid**

They all laughed.

"Trust Hagrid..."

"Hey Sirius," James said, "Doesn't Hagrid look a little bit like your mum!"

"Haha! That is so true man!" Sirius roared with laughter, "I can't wait to tell her _that_."

"**I demand that you leave at once" shouted Uncle Vernon, "You are breaking and entering!"**

"**Dry up Dursley, you great prune!"**

"He can talk!"

"**I haven't seen you since you was a baby, Harry. You're a bit more along than I would have expected, particularly in the middle,"**

"As if _that_ could be _my_ son!" James shouted, "Stupid giant..."

"Calm down love," Lily sighed, "Just watch the movie,"

"**Baked it myself, words and all!"**

"Aww bless him, baking a cake for Hazzer. I always loved that giant!" James grinned

"You are so thick sometimes, Prongs," Remus muttered

"Hey! I'm better than Padfoot!" James exclaimed, pointing at his friend, who was examining his Slushie with an astounded expression

"Huh?" he snapped out of his trance

"Don't worry, dearie" Remus said calmly

"**You're a wizard Harry!"**

Sirius giggled.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Lily asked, dumbfounded

"I think he's got some sort of cerebral condition." James said

"Who knew _you_ knew such long words James!" she replied

"Must you always challenge my intelligence?" he pouted

"Yes" they all said, simultaneously

"Hmph,"

"**I was the only one to see her for what she was," hissed Petunia, "a **_**freak**_**!"**

James felt Lily stiffen beside him, and put his arm around her again.

"Does she _have_ to talk like that?" Sirius joked, trying to lighten the mood. Lily smiled weakly back at him.

"**Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!" **

"WHAT?!" they all exclaimed

"Lily and James die in a car crash? How could they?!" Sirius yelled

"Ugh, it's so – " she was cut off by Sirius attempting to punch the screen. James and Remus pulled him off, with great difficulty

"That won't make things better Padfoot," Remus scolded, as Sirius sunk back into his seat.

"Ha! Look at the fat old git, stuffing his face!" James tried to break the tension

"He's got a bigger arse than Moony!" Sirius said, cheerfully, all bad thoughts forgotten.

"I am disgusted by your hurtful words," frowned Remus

"**I will not pay to have some crackpot old fool teach him magic tricks!"**

"Oh no he didn't!" gasped Remus

"**Never insult Albus Dumbledore in front of me"**

The teenagers all laughed, as a pig's tail shot out of Dudley's backside.

"Don't you love it when Harry smiles," Lily mumbled to James, "He reminds me of you..."

James just grinned in reply.

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_Review pleeease? x_


	5. She made me try on dresses

**Disclaimer: Give credit to JKR and Warner Bros. I hate Warner Bros. A lot. **

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"**All students must be equipped with..."**

"Oooooh! They're gonna go to Diagon Alley!" Lily squealed with excitement

"What's so great about it?" James asked, "My mother used to take me there all the time when I was a kid. She made me try on dresses..."

Sirius roared with laughter. "Why the hell did she do that?" he asked, red in the face

"I never asked..." James sighed, "Oh look, the leaky cauldron!"

"Remember when we convinced Tom to let us try some firewhiskey?" Sirius chuckled

"Oh yeah! Peter hasn't been the same since..."

"**Bless my soul! It's Harry Potter"**

"He's famous!" Sirius grinned, "Your son's famous Prongs!"

"I doubt he'll enjoy it," Lily muttered darkly

"**Doris Crockford..."**

"Doris Crockford! She's a good friend of my mum's..."

"Who cares, James?"

"**This is professor Quirrel"**

"Ugh, why does he have to stutter like that?!" Sirius groaned. He got annoyed _very_ easily.

"I know!" James agreed, "It's so gross!"

"It makes me cringe," Remus added

"**Welcome, Harry, to Diagon Alley!"**

"Aww look at his happy face. That was what _I_ was like when Dumbledore took me there," Lily reminisced, "One of the best days ever!"

"One of your best days doesn't include _me!_" James gasped and Lily smiled mysteriously.

"**Wow! Look at it! The Nimbus 2000! It's the fastest model yet!"**

"That's what we were like, eh James!"

"Yeah, except back then it was the Cleansweep 5 that was the latest trend!"

"Good times..."

"**I haven't any money!"**

"What does he mean? We have plenty of money!" James cried

"Yeah but I doubt he knows about it" reasoned Remus

"Hmph."

"**Hagrid? What exactly are these things?"**

"How rude."

"**Not the friendliest of creatures"**

"Too right," Sirius muttered, remembering his many disasterous experiences with the Gringotts goblins

"Oh God, what did he do?" Lily asked

"Trust me, you don't wanna know," replied James

"**Vault 687,"**

"Ah, the Potter vault!" James sighed as the others rolled their eyes.

"James?" Sirius said sweetly

"Yep?"

"Shut up."

"**Lamp please."**

"**Key please."**

"How monotonous is he?!" Sirius muttered, grinning

"Goblins aren't _that _short!" Lily exclaimed, "How over-exaggerating!"

"Yeah! How did they find clothes to fit that shrunken, midget, miniscule, tiny little – "

"Sirius?" said James

"Yep?"

"Shut up."

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_By the way, i would appreciate it if people DIDNT send me death threats. Lol. That means you _I love Sirius Black 123 _and _HarryPotterRox!!!!!!!!!!!! :P  
_I was reading some of them when i was in French today, lmao.  
I'll update in the near future. Or far future. Who knows.  
Review? x  
Review my 10 things story or i wont update this one. Yeah that's right, I'm blackmailing you baby! Jokes. _


	6. The cat outside is no more

**Disclaimer: This shizz belongs to Warner Bros. and JKRowling. **

_Sorry i haven't updated in a while but i come bearing excuses. My stinky dad insists on always being around so I can't really watch the movie and write the thing. Sorryyyyyyyyy. _

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"**What's in there, Hagrid?"**

"**Can't tell you Harry. Hogwarts business. Very secret,"**

"Oh, if he's anything like his Dad, he's gonna find out," Remus groaned and Lily chuckled.

"Hey!" James said indignantly, "What's that supposed to mean?!"

Remus just raised an eyebrow, sceptically.

"**Why don't you run along there and wait,"**

"Don't send my boy into Ollivander's by himself!" Lily frowned

"Yeah that guy creeps me out," James shuddered

"Aw, I love old Olly," Sirius grinned

"**I wondered when I'd be seeing **_**you**_** Mr. Potter,"**

"AAARGH!" Sirius screamed, as Ollivander appeared on the screen

"He's even creepier in the movie!" James said, wide-eyed

"What's with the hair?" Remus shivered

"**It seems only yesterday that your mother and father were in here buying their first wands,"**

"Awww," James said, mockingly, as Lily smiled reminiscing on her first trip to Diagon Alley.

"Lickle Jamsie Wamsie was just a little baby boy!" Sirius cooed, causing James to turn red.

"Shut up, Sir Blah,"

"Le gasp!"

"**Try this," and Harry waves the wand, **

"**Apparently not," **

"Haha, at least he didn't do what _you_ did with_ your_ first wand, James!" Sirius chuckled

"Oh yeah. 'The cat outside is no more'_"_ he mimicked Ollivander's grave voice, as Lily smacked him around the head, playfully.

"Oh so it was _you_ who killed my cat!" she joked

"**I wonder..."**

"What does he wonder?" Sirius asked

"Shut up and watch the bloody movie," Remus snapped

"**Curious. Very curious,"**

"**Sorry, but what's curious?"**

"How polite," cooed Lily

"**I remember every wand I've ever sold Mr. Potter. It just so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in this wand gave another feather. Just one other,"**

"Uh-oh,"

"**It is curious that you should be destined for this wand, when it's brother gave you that scar,"**

They all gasped.

"Mouldy Voldy has the same wand as Hazzer!" breathed Sirius

"Yes Sirius, we've established that," Remus said, stressed out.

"**We do not speak his name,"**

"We brave ones do," James huffed as his girlfriend swatted him again

"**But, I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things. Terrible, yes, but great,"**

"It sounds like the old prick actually admires him!" James exclaimed,

"Oh you're just annoyed 'cause the camera's zooming in on his face," Lily snickered

"Well who wouldn't be annoyed at that?!"

"**Harry! Harry! Happy Birthday!"**

"Awww!" Lily and James sighed, feeling happy that somebody was finally acknowledging their son turning 11.

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_You like?  
Review please? x  
Death threats are not welcome. Kidding :)_


	7. Voweldymolt

"**You know Hagrid. I know you do,"**

"He's a bit pushy isn't he!" James muttered

"Like father like son," Lily sighed

"**Not all wizards are good,"**

"Well duh,"

"**Maybe if you wrote it down,"**

"**No I can't spell it,"**

"Aw, bless Haggers! He can't spell Voldy's name!" Sirius sang

"Can you?" Remus groaned

"Yes! V-O-W-E-L-D-Y-M-O-L-T!" Sirius said triumphantly

"Voweldymolt?" Remus sighed

"Oh. It sounds different when you say it like _that"_

"Shut _up" _James hissed, "It's _our_ bit!"

"**Voldemort started to gather some followers. Brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone that stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him,"**

"It's Lily," James whispered,

"Aww cheer up Lils, you're way prettier in real life," Sirius smiled weakly

"**But nobody lived once he decided to kill 'em. Nobody, not one. Except you,"**

Lily had gone white.

"Why didn't they show me?!" James huffed, trying to lighten the mood.

"They couldn't find anyone ugly enough. Duh," Sirius chuckled

"He. Tried. To. Kill. My. Son." Lily said, trembling with anger

The others went silent.

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_It's quite short and sad. Sob Sob.  
Chapter 8 coming in about 3-4 minutes :P  
Review? x_


	8. Who the hell says Holy Cricket!

"**Your train leaves in 10 minutes,"**

"He's just gonna leave him there?!" James exclaimed

"**Stick to your ticket,"**

"HAHA!" Sirius roared with laughter, "Stick to your ticket!"

"And what, may I ask, is so funny about _that?"_ Remus asked incredulously

"St – stick to your – ahahahaha," he was laughing too much to speak

Suddenly, a large, hard sweet bounced off Sirius' head. He picked it up, shocked.

The others watched, wondering what he was going to do.

He stood up and turned to the rest of the audience.

"And WHO is the owner of THIS contraption?!" he yelled

"Sirius, it's a Gobstopper," Remus said quietly, "And for God's sake, sit down!"

"I REFUSE TO REST UNTIL I FIND THE CRIMINAL MASTERMIND BEHIND THIS VICIOUS ATTACK!" he screeched

"Oh shut up, Padfoot," James chuckled, pulling Sirius into his seat

"Hmph,"

"**Platform 9 ¾. Think you're being funny do ya?"**

"How rude"

"How mugglish"

"**It's the same every year. Packed with muggles of course!"**

"Hey! That could be Alice's sister," Lily exclaimed

"Yeah! She's going out with that Arthur whatsit, right?" James said,

"Yep Arthur Weasley. Damnit, what's her name?"

"**Only joking. I am Fred,"**

"Haha. Bless those little twins," Sirius teased

"**It's Ron's first time too,"**

"Look at his face!" Sirius laughed

"Do you _ever_ shut up?!" Remus moaned

"Bless him, sitting by himself," James laughed

"**Excuse me? Do you mind? It's just, everywhere else is full,"**

"Aww, Hazzer's gonna make a friend!"

"**Do you really have – the – the – the scar?"**

"**Oh yeah,"**

"**Wicked!"**

"Oh yum! The sweets trolley!" Sirius jumped up and down in his seat

"**Anything off the trolley dears?"**

"**No thanks, I'm all set,"**

"Aww how sad!" Lily said

"You'd better share Harry," James said, warningly

"**We'll take the lot,"**

"How selfish," Sirius said, "What about the rest of the train?!"

"**George sweared he got a bogey flavoured one once!"**

"Sweared?! Where did this boy learn his grammar!" Remus exclaimed

"Shut up Moony," Sirius groaned

"Remember when you got a Snape-flavoured one," James grinned at Sirius

"Snape-flavoured?!" Lily exclaimed,

"Yeah, he threw up after eating that,"

"It was all greasy, I swear!" Sirius shivered

"**Fred gave me a spell to turn him yellow. Wanna see?"**

"Oh good God,"

"**Has anyone seen a toad?"**

"Oooooh it's a girl!" Sirius chuckled

"**Ooh. Are you doing magic? Let's see then!"**

"I don't like her," Sirius frowned

"**Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!"**

"**Are you sure that's a real spell. Well it's not very good, is it? Of course, I've only tried a few simple ones myself, but they've all worked for me"**

"**Holy cricket, you're Harry Potter!"**

"Who the _hell_ says Holy Cricket?!" Sirius asked sceptically

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_Anonymos1996, is this what you meant by getting hit with something from the audience?  
Review pleeease? x_


	9. Remove your arse from my lap

_Chapterrrr Nine. Tada. Ooh, credit to JKRowling and Warner Bros. _

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"**Right then, first-years. This way please,"**

"Haggers again!"

**Come on now, first years, don't be shy. Come on now, hurry up. This way to the boats,"**

"I hope Ron falls in the lake," Sirius chuckled as James swatted him

"Oooh, Hogwarts is much prettier in this movie!" Lily said

"Ah, but _our _Hogwarts can be lovely in the summer," James argued

"**Welcome to Hogwarts,"**

"MINNIE!" James and Sirius yelled, simultaneously

"Ah, Sirius always did have a thing for Professor McGonagall..." Remus raised his eyebrows

"**Now, in a moment you'll pass through these doors and join your classmates but before you can take your seats, you must be sorted into your houses. They are Gryffindor – "**

James and Sirius cheered

"**Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Now while you're here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you points. Any rule-breaking and you will lose points,"**

"Yeah, ask these two, they know all about losing points," Remus muttered.

Sirius sat on him.

"ACH – ARRR – SIRIUS – GET – THE – HELL – OFF – ME!" Remus groaned, as Sirius sat comfortably.

"**Trevor!"**

"Ugh," James groaned at seeing the fat boy, Neville Longbottom, on the screen

"**It's true then. What they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts. This is Crabbe and Goyle,"**

"Gross!" James exclaimed, "Sons of Victor Crabbe and George Goyle?"

"Probably," Sirius shuddered

"**And I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy,"**

"Oh no," James cried

"As in, Lucius Malfoy? As in, that git my cousin Cissy married?" Sirius moaned.

"**You don't wanna go making friends with the wrong sort,"**

"Ha. He's not as _wrong_ as you, greasy head!" Sirius frowned

"Oh yay, he's not making friends with him!" James smiled

"Sirius," Remus groaned, "Could you possibly remove your arse from my lap?"

"Nope," Sirius said joyfully

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" he shrieked girlishly

The couple sitting behind them poured their drink all over Remus' head.

Sirius jumped up, sharply, as Remus stifled a frustrated tear.

"Oh great," Remus sniffed, "I'm all sticky!"

"**We're ready for you now. Follow me,"**

"Oooh, they're getting sorted!"

"**It's not real, the ceiling. It's just bewitched to look like the night's sky. I read about it in **_**Hogwarts: A history"**_

"Well duh," Lily said

"**Our caretaker, Mr Filch would like to remind you..."**

"Filch is well uglier in real life!" James and Sirius shouted

**...that the third-floor corridor is out of bound for everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death,"**

"This Dumbledore is _so much_ more boring than _our_ Dumbledore!" Lily gasped

"**Hermione Granger,"**

"**Gryffindor"**

"**Draco Malfoy,"**

"**Slytherin,"**

"**There's not a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin,"**

"Damn right,"

"**Ronald Weasley,"**

"Gryffindor," they all chorused

"**Gryffindor!" the hat shouted**

"**Harry Potter,"**

"Uh-oh,"

"**Difficult, very difficult,"**

"No it's not, just put him in Gryffindor," James yelled

"**Plenty of courage I see. Not a bad mind either,"**

"Not bad?!" Lily frowned

"**Not Slytherin, Not Slytherin,"**

"**Are you sure? You could be great you know. It's all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness. No doubt about that. If you're sure ... better be ... GRYFFINDOR!"**

"THAT'S MY BOY," James screamed, as Lily and Sirius cheered

"**Let the feast, begin"**

"Yum,"

"**I'm half and half. Me dad's a muggle. Mam's a witch. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out,"**

"Bless his Irish soul," Lily cooed

"**Say Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrel,"**

"It looks like – "

"But it can't be – "

"No way – "

"**Oh, that's Professor Snape – "**

"NO!" All four marauders shrieked

"Poor, poor Harry," Remus shook his head

"**Everyone knows it's the dark arts he fancies,"**

"Well duh," Lily said again

"**Hello. How are you. Welcome to Gryffindor,"**

"Since when exactly, does Nearly Headless Nick have a moustache?!" Sirius groaned.

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_More coming sooon ;)  
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Ash x_


	10. Sirius, put me down!

"**Gryffindors follow me please. Keep up. This way,"**

"**Keep an eye on the staircases. They like to change,"**

"Bloody right," Sirius muttered under his breath, and James burst out laughing.

"Haha, too many _good_ memories on those stairs, eh Padfoot?"

"Good meaning ... painful?"

"**Password,"**

"THAT IS NOT THE FAT LADY," James yelled, as Sirius stuttered incoherently

"**Welcome to the Gryffindor common room,"**

"Ha!_ Our_ common room's bigger!"

"**Boys dormitories on the left, Girls on the right,"**

"I always did wonder why we couldn't just share dormitories," Sirius sighed

"Oh good God, imagine _you_ in our dorm!" Lily shuddered

"What?! I'm funny, I'm kind, I'm great in – "

"Ok! That's enough," Remus said frantically

"Yay! It's McGonagall," Sirius said, pointing at the tabby cat perched on the desk,"

"**Woo. We made it. Can you imagine the look on McGonagall's face if we were late,"**

They all cracked up, remembering when they first discovered McGonagall' _other_ form.

"**That was bloody brilliant,"**

"**Well thank you for that assessment Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way one of you might be on time,"**

"**We got lost,"**

"**Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats,"**

"She threatened to turn Peter into a toothbrush once, cos he had bad breath," James laughed

"Better than being turned into a _hair_brush!" Peter retorted

"Oh no it's potions," Sirius murmered

"**There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science...**

"Yawn!" Sirius frowned, and yawned ostentatiously

"How boring," Peter said, as James and Sirius booed at the screen.

"Come on, he's an annoying git, but there's no need to kick the screen!" Remus tried to stop h is friends, but failed, epically

"People are getting stressed out, James," Lily said, trying hard not to laugh, and dragging her boyfriend back to his seat

Sirius slumped back down, next to him and pretended to go to sleep.

**to NOT PAY ATTENTION,"**

Sirius jumped from his slouched and bored position.

"Merlin's pants!"

"What the hell, Snape, he's taking notes!" James cried

"**Mr. Potter,"**

"Yes?" James said

"**Our new celebrity. Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? You don't know? Let's try again. Where Mr. Potter would you look, if I asked you to find me a bezoar? **

"**I don't know sir,"**

"**And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?" **

"**I don't know sir,"**

"**Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, is it Mr. Potter?"**

"Stupid man-bitch," James muttered and Sirius tried to throw Peter at the screen

"PUT ME DOWN, SIRIUS!!!"

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	11. Why that selfish little

"**Eye of rabbit, harp string hum. Turn this water into rum,"**

"AWWW," they all cooed

"Bless the little Irish boy!" Lily squealed, "Devon Murray is my new favourite person!"

"Oi!" James prodded her

"**Mail's here!"**

"I bet Hazzer doesn't get any," James chuckled

"He doesn't _get any_ anyway," Sirius said, smiling suggestively

"You dirty, dirty boy!" Lily scolded while Remus looked away, disgustedly

"**Hey look! Neville's got a rememberall!"**

"Hey look! Neville's got a rememberall!" Sirius mocked

"**I've read about those. When the smoke turned red, it means you've forgotten something,"**

"Petey had one of those, but he kept forgetting where he put it..." Sirius said, raising his eyebrows, while James sniggered

"Do you know where it kept disappearing to?" Peter asked

"Of course not!" James said innocently, fooling no-one

"Remus Wemus Squeeeemus?" Sirius asked, putting on a sweet voice

"Oh god..."

"Could I pleasy weasy squeasy have some money?"

"Why..."

"To buy some sweets from that nice little boy,"

"Sirius, that boy isn't SELLING sweets. Those are _his_ that he wants to _eat!"_

"WHY THAT SELFISH LITTLE – "

"No Sirius! You can't go stealing little boys' sweets!!" Remus cried, forcing Sirius to sit back down.

"Hmph."

"You do realise you've missed the entire dramatic bit about the break-in at Gringotts!" James frowned

"Shut up, Potter," they said simultaneously

"Oi,"

"**Good afternoon class,"**

"**Good afternoon Madam Hooch,"**

"WOOOOP! It's QUIDDITCH!!!!!" James screamed

"**Up!"**

"Ahh, a true flying genius has his broom fly into his hand the first time," James said wisely

"Not true!" Sirius argued

"You're only saying that cos _your_ broom hit you on the ar – "

"Ok, nobody needs to relive _that_ incident!"

"**Up! UGH! Shut up Harry!"**

They all laughed, as Ron got hit in the head with his broomstick.

"There's Peter's first try!" James chuckled

"Shut up!"

"**3-2-1 – Mr Longbottom! Get down!"**

"Oh that poor boy!" Lily said, while the others were in fits of laughter!

"I was mistaken. THAT's Peter's first try!!" James said, in between laughing

"Excellent filming, I must say," Remus remarked, "Kudos to Chris Columbus!"

"Moony, you prick,"

"**Everyone out of the way!"**

"Ooooooooh," they murmured as Neville fell to the ground

"That's gonna hurt in the morning," Sirius said darkly

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	12. Put it away!

"**If I see a single broom in the air, the one riding it will be out of Hogwarts before they can say Quidditch,"**

"Quidditch!" James and Sirius yelled simultaneously

"You dolts," Lily sighed.

"**Maybe in the fat lump had given this a squeeze, he'd have remembered to fall on his fat arse,"**

Sirius chuckled.

"He's in Slytherin you idiot!" James scolded, shaking his head

"Oh yeah. Git!"

"**Give it here Malfoy,"**

"Ooh, the kid's grown a pair!"

"**No. I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find,"**

"Uh-oh," Lily shook her head

"Woohoo, they're gonna fly!" James yelled

"Harry's gonna be expelled!"

"Don't be silly, Dumbledore won't expel him,"

"**What's the matter, Potter? Bit beyond your reach?"**

"Not if he's like his pops," Sirius said, nudging James

"Dam right!" James grinned

"**Harry, no way. You heard what Madam Hooch said. Besides, you don't even know how to fly!"**

"Listen to her Harry!" Lily shouted

"Don't listen to her Harry!" James yelled at the same time. They glared at each other.

"Remus has been keeping quiet through this..." Sirius commented

"I'm not such a fan of Quidditch..."

Lily and James stopped bickering and turned to face Remus.

"You disgust me," Sirius said, while James stuttered incoherently.

"**Give it here Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!"**

"Bless his high-pitched squeaks,"

"**Is that so?"**

"Woohoo!" James yelled as Malfoy spun upside down in the air. Lily whimpered beside him, while Remus yawned ostentatiously, only to be thumped by Sirius.

"**Have it your way then..."**

"It's like the snitch," James commented, watching the rememberall fly around, "Speaking of which..."

He delved into his pocket and retrieved the snitch, causing everyone else to groan.

The tiny golden ball fluttered it's wings, flying higher and higher into the air.

"Put it away, James" Lily sighed

"Put _what_ away..." he waggled his eyebrows

"Mature. Very mature," she frowned, then gasped in horror at the screen, "Oh NO! He just flew in front of McGonagall's office!"

"Ah, but you know how Minnie _loves_ Quidditch!" Sirius pointed out

"And that _was_ an amazing catch," James agreed

"**Yaaaaaaaay!"**

"Oh god, it's not like it's a Quidditch match or something..."

"First-years, eh,"

"**Harry Potter. Follow me,"**

"OW!" James shrieked, as Lily punched him hard in the side of his arm, "What was that for?"

"Your. Stupid. Quidditch. Genes. Getting. My. Son. Expelled." She growled, hitting him with every word.


End file.
